Many people want a meaningful, honest, and close connection with someone before they get physical. That might sound strange since casual sex has become more common than ever, but these people feel that emotions and trust are closely connected with physicality. Demisexual sexuality is all about connections.
When we are sure about the person next to us, we feel accepted and empowered – we are likely to enjoy the sexual experience even more. However, some people in modern society don’t feel it would be good to have an emotional connection with their partners – they think it’s necessary.
In other words, these people don’t do one-night stands or casual sex. If you’re that kind of person, you are probably a demisexual. Even though there’s no exact number of how many people demisexuals are out there, plenty of people feel this way.
What is demisexual sexuality?
Demisexuality is just one of many sexualities like bisexual, gay, transexual, etc. Even though there are layers and layers in any sexuality, we could simply define a demisexual as someone who can only be sexually attracted to people with profound and meaningful emotional relationships.
Most people in this group don’t feel sexual attraction like the general population. For example, they won’t feel sexually attracted to a good-looking person they’ve walked by in a store. They need to meet and get to know their potential partners on an emotional level before they can be attracted to them sexually.
There’s nothing wrong with this; everyone should enjoy life as they see fit. The first mention of demisexuality goes back to the early 2000s, and today it’s a mainstream term. That’s likely because sexual freedoms are growing, and more people identify as demisexuals.
Many people still confuse demisexual sexuality with asexuality, but they are entirely different things. Demisexuals experience sexual attraction, but this happens only after they’ve met someone and had the opportunity to connect emotionally with them.
How demisexual sexuality districts from other sexualities?
Many people want to connect emotionally to potential partners before becoming intimate, but this doesn’t necessarily make them demisexuals. It comes down to values and social norms. Some people simply feel obligated because of their beliefs to meet their partners before having sex.
For example, people with Christian beliefs often don’t have sex before marriage. So does this make them demisexuals? Not at all. Demisexuals can’t be attracted to others emotionally without becoming close to them.
In other words, Christians can feel attracted to others but don’t do anything about it because of their beliefs. With demisexuals, it’s not about belief but inherited sexual identity. Even if they saw the “sexiest” celebrity online, they wouldn’t feel anything sexual about that person because they don’t know them.
So simply put, some people might be sexually attracted to others even if they haven’t created an emotional bond with them but don’t want to get intimate. On the other hand, demisexuals could never be attracted to them without being close in the first place.
Where does demisexual sexuality “fit in?”
Many demisexuals think that they are somewhat asexual. Even though they can get attracted to other people, they don’t have that initial attraction based on smell, voice, and physical appearance. Still, there are a lot of demisexuals who reject the notation that they’re asexual and feel that they are different.
Demisexuals feel that they are different in establishing attraction to someone and nothing else. But at the same time, different demisexuals might get attracted to different people, so it’s not only about connecting with someone but connecting with the right person.
Demisexual sexuality focuses on finding people with the right beliefs, morals, values, humor, etc. On the other hand, demisexuals can also be gay, bisexual, heterosexual, pansexual, queer, polyamorous, etc.
Every individual has their preferences, which is how they establish connections with others and sexual attraction. Demisexual sexuality shows that sexuality isn’t something that can be precisely labeled or put into a category. There are complex mechanisms that affect us and society that affect our lives.
How to know if you’re demisexual?
One of the best ways to understand sexuality and experience is through communication. You can read as many definitions about demisexual sexuality or other people’s experiences, but you need to communicate with yourself.
That’s very important because understanding yourself is the path toward happiness sexually and in life. So how can you communicate with yourself about your sexuality? It’s pretty simple, actually. You only need to ask yourself a couple of questions and be honest.
- Do I put a lot of importance on sexual attraction in general?
- Do I think about random people sexually?
- Do I put a lot of importance on sexual attraction in relationships or potential relationships?
- Who was I attracted to in the past? What kind of relationship did we have? Were I attracted to them immediately or only after we’ve connected emotionally?
- What do I like first about a person I’m interested in?
- How much time passed before I started liking someone?
- What are the most important parts of my relationships?
- How do I imagine a perfect relationship?
Demisexual sexuality has been widely adopted and accepted by many people. If you’re really having trouble figuring out your sexuality, try talking to people who’ve gone through similar things and learn from their experience. Here are some other signs that might indicate you’re demisexual.
1. Sex is never the most important thing
People of demisexual sexuality enjoy sex and love it as much as anyone else. However, sex never comes first, even when an emotional bond has been formed. People who like to date casually often have completely sexual relationships where sex is the only thing that matters.
They don’t talk about their issues, share experiences, or connect with their partners on any level. Demisexuals are people that put a lot of significance on relationships, how they form bonds with people, and what kinds of experiences they’ve shared.
2. First dates are very important
Demisexuals are all about other people and getting to know them. The whole relationship and future depend on your first impression of someone. That’s why first dates are crucial, as they can determine whether you really have an interest in someone.
At the same time, individuals with demisexual sexuality often need more time to get attached to someone and invest in themselves. Their dates are more likely to get attached quicker and grow sexual feelings.
These are just some things demisexuals think about when going on a first date. The critical thing to remember is that if you’re stressing about first dates, you might also be a demisexual.
3. Your relationships usually start as friendships
Demisexuals are attracted to security, trust, intimacy, and closeness. That’s why they often fall for their friends as they develop meaningful relationships with them. Even though we live in a society where the hook-up culture is growing strong, many people who’ve known each other for a long time often get together.
Many of these people are demisexuals. Demisexual sexuality is about creating a strong bond, which is why friendships can often turn into relationships. However, just because you’re attracted to a friend sexually doesn’t mean you should go for it, as you might ruin your relationship forever. Simply put, not all friends are good lovers. There’s a fine line between these two things.
4. You don’t care about looks until later
One of the characteristics of demisexual sexuality is that people don’t care much about physical appearance. Again, the main focus is on who someone is as a person, their values, morals, habits, level of communication, etc.
Demisexuals focus on who someone is as a person rather than their looks. If you prefer someone making you laugh or having a meaningful conversation over them being “hot,” you probably have some demisexual attributes.
5. People called you a prude
People like to talk about sex openly and get into details about their experiences. However, most demisexuals don’t think about sex that often and don’t want to talk about it so openly. At the same time, chances are people have attacked you for your approach to sex.
Today it’s normal to go out and hook up with someone and never see them again. If you don’t enjoy doing this, you’ll probably be called a “prude,” “old-fashioned,” or other names.
Common misconceptions about demisexuals
As mentioned earlier, demisexual sexuality is a new term that’s been around for two decades at best. Many people don’t know anything about it and make wrong assumptions. These are the most common misconceptions you should know about:
1. Demisexuals must be in love before having sex
Yes, demisexuals need to form an emotional connection with a person to feel attracted to them, but this doesn’t mean they’re in love with them. For example, many demisexuals are attracted to their friends but don’t fall in love with them.
You can be connected with someone without loving them sexually. Simply put, demisexuals can also have sex with people they don’t love, but they need to have a meaningful connection with them.
2. Demisexuals don’t like sex
Demisexual sexuality isn’t some moral code or values from someone’s expression. These people simply don’t experience sexual attraction at the same time as most people. They do love sex but have different mechanisms for reaching that act of sex.
Just because they don’t feel comfortable jumping into bed with someone they’ve just met doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy sex.
3. Demisexuals are attracted to a specific sex
You might be surprised how many people think that demisexuals are attracted to specific groups of people. There’s no attraction to any particular sex; this term just describes how a person is attracted sexually to someone else.
There are all kinds of variations of demisexuals, including queer, lesbian, gay, pansexual, etc. At the same time, demisexuals aren’t asexuals because these people don’t feel sexual attraction ever to anyone.
4. They don’t exist
Yes, like it or not, you will probably meet people who don’t believe demisexuals exist and think that’s all made up. Unfortunately, we still live in an intolerant world where ignorance is common. Granted, some people will feel like demisexuals at times, but this is normal for everyone.
However, this lasts for a short period, and it’s all about what that person is going through in their life, hormones, level of attraction, etc.
Support is essential regardless of whether you have a demisexual or someone else in your life. Have patience, be accepting, and keep an open mind. For example, if you’re dating a demisexual, you might have to wait for sex for some time.
You will have to learn how to deal with this and be patient. On the other hand, if you are demisexual, you shouldn’t be harsh to yourself and want to do things you’re not comfortable with. Just because your friends are out hooking up doesn’t mean you should do it too.
Everyone is different, and it’s important to do what you feel is right for you. At the same time, don’t try to pressure someone else into behaving “normally” and force them to do things they’re uncomfortable with.
We hope this post helps you understand what demisexuals are and have more understanding for these groups of people. We live in a time when learning about and exploring sexuality is no longer taboo. We should all look forward to educating ourselves to understand each other better.